


Someone Freer and Braver

by struckthunder



Series: In everything I see, I see him [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - GTAV, Dubious Consent, Fake AH Crew, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No actual sex, lot of comfort, not between Ryan/Gavin, past unhealthy relationships, reference to dubcon, talking about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 08:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17763713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/struckthunder/pseuds/struckthunder
Summary: Set before The Form of Another Person and Still Intertwined, can be read in any order.Ryan want to talk about sex, but Gavin won't even broach the subject.  Ryan pushes and Gavin pulls.- “I wanted to talk about sex.”  Gavin's fork clinked onto the plate and a little color drained from his face.“I thought you said we could wait.”  The betrayal in Gavin’s voice was enough to haunt Ryan’s nightmares.“We can.  We will.  We are.”  Ryan reassured him.-





	Someone Freer and Braver

 

The alarm on his phone chirped, notifying Ryan that someone had just entered the garage.  He pulled out his phone and checked the camera. He saw Gavin’s gold car pulling into his spot and smiled.  He stayed watching him on the camera as he grabbed a computer bag out of the back seat then locked his car. Gavin walked towards the elevators but before he was out of sight he winked at the camera.  Ryan did not know how the Brit always knew when he was watching. Gavin never brought it up and nor did Ryan. It was fun to have little secrets.

He went to the kitchen to wait for Gavin as he made his way up to the top floor.  They had plans of dinner and going over the heist for the next day. It was Ryan’s turn to cook and since he had no culinary skills to speak of, he ordered take out.  He plated Gavin’s Pad Thai and his own curry and set them out on the balcony table. It was late, nearing 10pm, but the city was just beginning to wake. The lights from the cars on the freeway twinkled in the distance and the sound of horns blaring echoed through the sky.  It was cool out, summer was coming to an end and the hints of Fall were starting to show.

Gavin opened the front door and dropped his bag to the floor.  He kicked off his shoes and left them in the doorway. Ryan watched and held in a sigh.  There were just some battles that he knew he would never win. 

“You want a beer love?” Gavin asked him and he made his way to the fridge.

“Sure.”  Ryan answered.  Gavin met him at the balcony door with the drink and a kiss.  “You get everything set up?”

“Just about.”  Gavin sat down and popped the cap of his beer.  “There were a few more security walls than I thought there would be, but I think I can break them.”

Ryan nodded.  He knew Gavin would get the heist ready for them in time.  They had two days until they were set to hit up a bank just outside the city limits.  It had been running some highly illegal gambling rings and they had stacked up a huge amount of cash.  It was stored in a lower valt that had tight security around it at all times. Their plan was hack in, barge in, take the money, escape.  Easy. The days before each heist set everyone on edge, well almost everyone. Ryan was typically calm and collected. He thrived in chaos.  Gavin was a little peaky, he hardly had slept the nights before. Ryan knew that when the heist was over he would sleep for two days straight.  

“What’s wrong Ryan, you’ve hardly touched your food?”  Gavin asked, breaking Ryan away from his thoughts. 

“Sorry, I zoned out there.”  Ryan lied.

“Excited about the heist, huh?” 

He wasn't, not really.  It was a simple job, one he had done time and time again.  He had something else on his mind. Something that had he itching at him for months, something that he had been ignoring, something he knew he needed to talk to Gavin about.

“Actually, can we talk?” Ryan asked.  The tone of his voice must have betrayed him because Gavin’s face dropped and there was a wariness to him that wasn’t there before.  Slowly Gavin nodded and Ryan quickly tried to clean up the mess he had made. “Nothing’s wrong. Really, I just want to talk. And that sounds even worse.  What I mean to say is, I don’t want to talk about work anymore, not right now. I want to talk to you. About us.”

“Thanks for clearing that up?” Gavin gave him a confused smile and it’s better than what he could ask for.  “What do you want to talk about?”

“Right, okay.”  Ryan was getting nervous and he knew that no matter what happened he and Gavin would be alright, but he still had a lingering fear.   “I wanted to talk about sex.” Gavin's fork clinked onto the plate and a little color drained from his face.

“I thought you said we could wait.”  The betrayal in Gavin’s voice was enough to haunt Ryan’s nightmares.  

“We can.  We will. We are.”  Ryan reassured him. He reached across the table and took Gavin’s hands in his.  “We won’t have sex tonight, hell we won’t have sex for a year if that’s what you want.  I just want to talk to you about it. You seem so put off by sex, but not by all kinds of sex.  Like, we have a pretty good sex life I’d have to say.” Gavin flushed and Ryan smirked. “I love it, and I hope you do to.”

“I do.” 

“Good, that’s great.” Ryan squeezed Gavin’s hands.  “We can stick to blowjobs and hand jobs for now and forever if that’s what you want, but I just want to know what you really do want.”  

“What do you want?”

“Gav,” Ryan paused.  “This isn’t a one way street.  I want what makes you happy. I want us to be able to talk about things.”

“But you want other things, if you didn’t you wouldn’t be asking.” 

“Well, yeah.”  Ryan said honestly.  “I would love to have sex with you.  I really would, but if that’s going to ruin what we have I would give it up.”

“Really?”  

“Yes.”

“If I said that I-”

“Yes.  Whatever you were going to say the answer would be yes.”

Gavin was quiet for a long time, long enough to make Ryan think of something.

“Gavin, do you even like sex?”  

“What?”

“I mean, like I said, you seem to like what we have been doing, but do you really?”

“I do. I love what we do.”

“Okay, but what about penetrative sex?” 

“Ryan.”  Gavin groaned, pulled away, and got up. 

“Gav.” Ryan stood too, dinner long forgotten.  “Please, don’t walk away from this.”

“No, Ryan, I don’t want-I don’t want. Gah.”  He ran his hand through his hair and walked back inside and let the door of glass seperate them.  He wrapped his arms around himself facing away from the balcony. Ryan stayed where he was. If Gavin needed to be alone, then he would let him.  They stayed where they were for a long time. Each second that passed Ryan feared that he had ruined what he and Gavin had. He ached to rip the door open and wrap the other man in his arms.  To kiss him to tell him that everything was going to be alright. 

He waited at the table for ten minutes before Gavin opened the door and asked if they could go to bed.

“Yeah.” Ryan said and followed the younger man inside.  Gavin went back into the living room and waited for Ryan to make the first move. Ryan swallowed around a lump in his throat and left for the bedroom.  He had gotten to the door before he heard Gavin padding after him. He did not turn around, he continued into the bedroom, changed into a soft pair of sweats, tossed his shirt and jeans into the hamper, then went to the bathroom.  He shut the door to give Gavin privacy. He took several long deep breaths to try and calm himself. He made promise after promise to himself that he would be whatever Gavin needed. He wanted to keep that promise desperately.

“Ry,”  Gavin called from the other side of the door.  Ryan had to stop himself from wrenching it open.  Gavin gave a light knock and Ryan opened the door.  He had changed too, wearing just boxer shorts and one of Ryan’s shirts.  The shirt hung lose around his neck and came down to his thigh. “Come to bed?” 

Ryan didn’t trust himself to say anything so he nodded.  Gavin took his hand and led him to the bed. They got in and Ryan sat stunned when Gavin dove into his arms.  His hands clung to Ryan’s back while his face was pressed into his collarbone. Ryan’s own hands came up around Gavin’s back instantly.  He pulled him in closer, pressing his nose into his soft hair. 

“I want to have sex with you.”  Gavin said and it was bittersweet music to Ryan’s ears.  He knew there was a ‘but’ to follow. “I really want to have sex with you.”  

“Take your time Gav, I’ll be right here.”  He felt Gavin nod into his chest. 

“I do like sex, I really like sex and I think that’s where my problem is.”  

“Your problem?”

“Ryan, I’ve liked the sex I’ve had better than the relationships that I’ve had.  In every single relationship I’ve had it’s always been about sex. And that’s what I wanted.  I only really wanted sex. Typically I have sex with someone before I know their name. Honestly Ryan I’m a bit of a slut.” He forced out a chuckle that held no semblance of joy.

“No, Gavin, you’re not.” 

“It’s all right, I’ve gotten used to it.” He pressed a kiss to Ryan’s chest.  “But things became so different when I started to want you and when you began to want me back.  Ryan I don’t want this to be only sex. I don’t want this to be what I’m used to.” 

Ryan pulled back and cupped Gavin’s face in his hands before bringing their mouths together.  He kissed him softly on the lips, then his cheek then in the middle on his forehead. 

“I want the same thing.”  Ryan told him. “I don’t want this to just be about sex.  I want everything. I want it all Gav.”

“Okay.”  

“Okay?” 

“Yeah, Okay.”  Gavin said again.  There was a silence in the room, not unpleasant, but definitely colder than he would have liked.  “Ryan, can I ask you something?” 

“Yeah, anything.” 

“The first night you took me home and we were fooling around and what.  Why didn’t you have sex with me then?” 

Ryan opened and closed his mouth many times before finding the right words.

“Gavin, you didn’t want to have sex. We had just gotten together and I-”

“I never said that I didn’t want to have sex.” Gavin said quickly.  Ryan paused again. 

“You didn’t need to say it Gav, I knew.”  Ryan looked him in the eye, trying to suss out what Gavin was telling him. 

“You knew?” Gavin whispered.

“Yeah, darlin’, I knew you weren’t feeling it so I stopped.  Then we watched a James Bond movie.” Ryan smiled at him. “And I hate James Bond, so you have to know what I feel for you is real.”

“Oh,” Gavin said, his voice broke and his jaw trembled.  He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into Ryan’s shoulder.  “I didn’t know...I didn’t know that you, that you knew.”

“Gav?”  Ryan whispered into his hair.  There was something lurking under the surface that Gavin wasn’t saying.  “What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing.  Nothing, Ryan.  I’m good now, top, yeah?” His voice was thick, as if trying to hold back tears.

Ryan pulled away and nudged Gavin in the shoulder, trying to get him to look up.  Gavin refused, burrowing further into the blankets. Instead of forcing the issue like he wanted, Ryan sighed and lay back down.  He wrapped his arms around Gavin’s back and brought him as close as he could. 

“You can tell me when you’re ready.  I’ll be waiting here.” Ryan told him.  “Whenever you’re ready.”

It took hours for Gavin to fall asleep.  When his breathing finally evened out and he released all the tension in his back, Ryan finally felt like he could breathe.  So many things were racing through his mind, half of them were horrible the other half were worse. He knew he should sleep, but he couldn’t.  He stayed up the entire night stroking Gavin’s hair, brushing his lips over his skin, and watching him breathe. He knew he would be exhausted in the morning, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.  

When the sun rose Ryan slipped from the bed and into the bathroom.  He turned on the shower and waited for the hot water with his head resting on the cool tile.  As he washed he battled with himself over what he was going to do, over what he was going to say.  If he pressed the issue more Gavin might freak out and leave. If he said nothing more, he would hate himself for being a coward.

A soft knock on the glass door snapped him out of the troubling thoughts.  

“Can I come in?” Gavin asked.  He drew his knuckle through the fogged up glass leaving a clearing in his wake.  Ryan nodded and opened the door for him. Gavin stepped in and pushed himself into the older man’s chest.  Ryan's arms wrapped around him instantly, tightly. He threaded a wet hand through Gavin's hair darkening his bond locks with water.  The water was hot and between the two of them it was edging on uncomfortable. But, Ryan wouldn't pull away for the world. 

“You okay?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah.” Gavin sighed.  “I'm good. Later, if you're up to it, I'd like to talk again.” 

“Of course.”

“Let's get cleaned up, yeah?” Gavin said as he pulled away.  

Ryan was scared to say anything more or to ask any questions.  He wanted Gavin to feel safe with him, forever, always. He nodded and they helped each other wash in silent acknowledgement of the tension in the air.

The talk would have to wait until after another meeting with the crew. Geoff called them all in around noon and the meeting didn't end it until four in the afternoon. By that time Ryan was past exhausted and itching for a release. He thought about driving out to the shooting range to blow off some steam. His fingers thrummed against the steering wheel and his eyes nervously darted back and forth from Gavin and the road.  The younger man sat turned away from him, his arms were wrapped around his middle. He chewed on his lip, making it full and red. 

Ryan drove fast. 

When they were a block away some asshole cut them off.  Ryan slammed on the brakes and swore. Gavin rolled down the window and yelled at the car, calling him a wanker and all the other British colloquialisms he could think of. 

“Should we run him down?” Ryan asked.  That made Gavin smile.

“Later love. We have plans. Plus, I got his license plate.” Gavin winked.  

Ryan couldn't help but reach over and cup his cheek and kiss him. It was chaste and quick, but after doing it Ryan felt guilty. 

“Sorry.” Ryan pulled back and started driving again.  Gavin was quiet, and that alone made Ryan's heart sink.  Out of the corner of his eye he watched Gavin reach up and touch his lips.  There was a look on Gavin's face that Ryan couldn't describe, it was somewhere between wonder and disgust.  

They pulled into the garage and made those way up the elevator, all the while not talking or touching.  That was until Gavin reached out and took Ryan's hand as they stepped into the living room. Ryan grasped it tight and waited for Gavin to make the next move.  Gavin's next move was to push himself into Ryan's chest, cradling the clasped hands between them. 

“I don't want to say this.” Gavin began. 

Ryan started to sweat.  

A million things cascaded through his mind, some horrible, others worse.  He felt like his heart was about to burst with how hard it was beating. Ryan wanted to tell Gavin not to say it, just to keep it to himself and to let them be as they were, but how could he? He knew he wouldn’t stop him, not now or ever.  He knew he would let Gavin say his peace, and Ryan would take the blow. 

“Ryan, I don’t think I’ve been doing anything right.”  Gavin whispered and clung to the taller man tighter. “What you said yesterday, about knowing, about knowing that I wasn’t ready or whatever.  No one has ever said that to me before. Hell, no one ever even asked. I just...I just let them I guess. I let them…” He swallowed thickly. “When you turned me down I thought, ‘Might as well try and ask.  What’s the worst that could happen.’ I asked you to wait and you said yes so quick I think I got whiplash. I told you earlier that all I liked from my last flings was the sex, and that’s not true.”

“Gav, Darlin’.” Ryan pressed his nose into Gavin’s hair and breathed deeply.  He was scared of what Gavin might say next. He was scared and he was furious.  He wanted names and places, he wanted to go and hunt these people down, to castrate them, to boil them, to hurt them beyond all pain.  He calmed himself and left those thought pass. Gavin needed him here, not trapped in rage. 

“The sex was fine, but I don’t even know if I really liked it.  I said I wanted it and acted like I did. But, when I think about what we have and compare the two, there’s no contest Ry. You kissed me in the car and then you said sorry.” Gavin’s voice broke.  “I never want you to say sorry for kissing me.”

Ryan let out a shaky breath.  He kissed the top of Gavin head and pulled back a little from their embrace then kissed his forehead.  Gavin closed his eyes. 

“Ryan, I want you.  I’ve wanted you since I saw you, but I’ve been scared out of my mind that I’d go back to those old ways.  You won’t let that happen, will you?”

“Never.”  

Gavin open his eyes and slid a hand to Ryan’s cheek.  Ryan pressed hard into the freely offered hand. 

They stood in the middle of the living room until their feet hurt.  Together they moved to the bedroom. They undressed each other then lay quietly wrapped in a loose embrace.  They talked softly, telling one another secrets and past lives. They left the blinds open letting moonlight fill the room and sink them into a cool blue night.  


End file.
